Cover Snark (32)

Welcome to another edition of Cover Snark, where the people are judgmental and the covers quiver in fear. If you enjoy this feature, leave me some comment love! Comment on all of the covers, some of them, or just tell me your top picks for best and worse this week. Remember this is a judgment-free zone, unless you're a new book cover. Where possible, I will link to Goodreads, so you can add the covers that catch your list to your to-read list.

Pro tip: The easiest way to comment on such a long post is to open the post in two windows (really easy if you use Google Reader). Comment in one and scroll the covers in the other. That's actually how I comment on other people's reviews too. I can't remember all my comments by the time I get to the box!

1. Sanctuary Island - Lily Everett

 Thoughts: Sanctuary Island, where the men are men and the horses are horses.

2. Destiny (Brightest Kind of Darkness #3) - P.T. Michelle

 Thoughts: Can anybody explain two e-book cover trends to me? First, waist deep in water seems to happen an awful lot. Even more often, though, e-book fantasy has a bird. Seriously, at least once a week, there's some self-pub with a bird. What the fuck is up with all the birds? Also, what is the point of publishing under a pseudonym if you're just going to put both names on there anyway?

3. Brianna on the Brink - Nicole McInnes

 Thoughts: Local cheerleader Brianna Skinny-Jeans died in a tragic accident on Sunday. Conclusive results are not in yet, but it appears that she attempted to practice her cheerleading routing at the top of the bleachers with her eyes closed. No word yet as to whether this was the result of hazing or a strange suicide attempt.

4. Hunter of Demons - Jordan L. Hawk

 Thoughts: It's hard to look intimidating naked, but this guy (who I totally thought was a girl at first) manages. I bet he could punch that lightning and win. 

5. Rise of the Magi (Lila Gray #3) - Jocelyn Adams

Thoughts: Lovely, a shadow woman with large breasts and tiny waists is being impaled on a .... I have no idea what that is. Freud approves this cover.

6. The Magic of I Do - Tammy Falkner

 Thoughts: While I do (punned!) think her wedding dress is pretty, mostly for the blue sash that matches the title font perfectly, the title alone makes me want to hurl everywhere. Also, the tagline reads: "They're tumbling together into all kinds of trouble..." I'll bet they're tumbling.

7. Destined (Desolation #3) - Ali Cross

Thoughts: What a form-flattering outfit she has on! I would love to know where she got it. Just fyi, I'm going to pretend that orange cloud is from a noxious fart. Makes as much sense as anything.

8. Fading Amber (The Cambion Chronicles #3) - Jaime Reed

 Thoughts: This cover model is completely gorgeous and, were she alone, this would be a decent girl-face cover. Why do they keep sticking her with Mr. Derp-Face? Ugh. Seriously, who told this guy he was cover model-caliber?

9. Demon Hunting in a Dive Bar (Demon Hunting #3) - Lexi George

Thoughts: This title. I just can't. Also, who goes to a dive bar in leather pants and a leather vest? Those look expensive! Also, ridiculous. I approve of this cover only if she turns out to be the demon, because a demon in a pastel yellow dress amuses me greatly. In other news, this is definitely what the second book in the Demon Trappers series should have been called.

 10. Iron Kin (The Half-Light City #3) - M. J. Scott

Thoughts: PRETTY. I definitely just added this series to my tbr, because this cover is gorgeous. I love the title font. I love that this model isn't white. I love that she's wearing practical fighting clothes. I love that she looks ready to use that knife right now.

11. Black City (Black Wings #5) - Christina Henry

Thoughts: When did we decide that kneeling while holding a knife was the most intimidating badass pose for ladies? Also, is it just me or does her left hand look shrunken?

12. Blood Between Queens - Barbara Kyle

Thoughts: Oh man, this would be fantastic if it were about drag queens. Coincidentally, if the book's no good, Cuddlebuggery recommends that as a good reading technique to get yourself through. Is anyone else skeptical when they see a blurb with an ellipsis in it? I always try to figure out what it might actually say, like so: "not riveting, adventurous only in its awfulness, and altogether not superb." Is that what the Historical Novel Society said? Probably not, but that ellipsis gives me room to put my imagination to work, because what are they not telling me?

13. Hearts of Shadow (Deadglass #2) - Kira Brady

Thoughts: Viewing this cover will soothe your upset stomach, while also taking care of other symptoms like nausea and heartburn.

14. Chick-O-Saurus Rex - Lenore & Daniel Jennewein

Thoughts: Adorbs! When I heard the title, this is what I hoped the cover would look like! Bonus win because this scene makes me think of The Return of the King when the orcs see Sam's shadow and think he's scary and then he hops out and they're all lol whut.

15. Vain - Fisher Amelie

Thoughts: Is she wearing acid wash jeans?

16. Josh's Justice - Patrice Michelle

Thoughts: "Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?" Bonus points for readers who get this reference. Also, Bad in Boots? Is that a series title or a tagline? Either way, *snorts*.

17. Binding the Shadows (Arcadia Bell #3) Jenn Bennett

Thoughts: Here's where I try to figure out if this cover is illustrated or not and fail. Moving on, I love the background. That dragon is freaking cool.

18. Synergy - Jamie Magee

Thoughts: This cover would be completely gorgeous if the focal point were not a guitar. This is another weird ebook cover trend. There are so many magical guitars, I kid you not. Also, please take note that this fantasy cover has more birds. It's a thing.

19. Shrapnel - Stephanie Lawton

Thoughts: Meh. It's okay. I'm mostly just debating the wisdom of naming your indie press after a mediocre YA novel.

20. Heaven Sent (Falling Angels Saga #3) - E. Van Lowe

Thoughts: "Hey, lady, I borrowed Sirius' magical motorcycle! Want to go for a spin? I'll take you for a ride. And by ride, you know I mean my penis, right? I just want to be clear."

21. A Decent December - D.C. McMillen

Thoughts: A romance novel for those sick of reading about absurdly good sex. McMillen presents decent sex in December!

22. Only in Her Nightmares (The Oneiroi #2) - Christina McKnight

Thoughts: Oh, title, you are so self-aware.

23. The Rules for Disappearing - Ashley Elston

Thoughts: Rule #1: Wear some goddamn shoes. You won't get very far with shredded feet. Leaving a bloody footprint trail behind also doesn't aid in the whole disappearing thing. Rule #2: Don't stop to play "he loves me, he loves me not" with daisies. Rule #3: Roll up your jeans. This way, if you hit a puddle, your jeans won't get wet and weight you down.

24. How I Lost You - Janet Gurtler

Thoughts: I want this book to be about lesbians, but I doubt it is. Cute skirts, though.

25. Nightbound (Lords of the Darkyn #3) - Lynn Viehl

Thoughts: "I touch the fire and it freezes me / I look into it and it’s black / Why can’t I feel?"

26. Bronze Gods (Apparatur Infernum #1) - A.A. Aguirre

Thoughts: This cover looks all too similar to this one, I think. I do love the dude's cane-sword and the tagline, though.

27. Eternal: Zachary's Story - Cynthia Leitich Smith

Thoughts: THIS.

28. Oblivion Storm (The Grenshall Manor Chronicles #1) - R.A. Smith

Thoughts: Holding knives: you're doing it wrong. How about you put down the knife you don't know how to use and call the Ghostbusters?

29. Insomnia (The Night Walkers #1) - J.R. Johansson

Thoughts: Mascara, you're doing it wrong. Really, though, I am HUGELY creeped out by this cover...so good work.

30. Dying to Remember (The Station Series #2) - Trish Marie Dawson

Thoughts: Things she could be dying to remember: 1) where she parked her car 2) where she buried the body 3) why she thought that dress was flattering with her skin tone 4) what came after touching your hair in the K-Stew school of acting (answer: biting your lip).

31. Drops of Gold (The Jonquil Brothers Series #2) - Sarah M. Eden

Thoughts: Parasols are awesome. Why don't we use those anymore? They protect against skin cancer AND they're useful as weapons in case of zombie apocalypse.

32. Breaking the Nexus -  Lindsay Avalon

Thoughts: Is this the paranormal romance version of The Tenth Kingdom?

33. One for Kami - Charlene A. Wilson

Thoughts: You got Kami a creepy floating eye for Christmas? How sweet! And by sweet, I mean she's never going to get you another present again. I have to say, though, much as this cover sucks, that cape she's wearing is pretty sweet.

34. Darkbeast Rebellion - Morgan Keyes

Thoughts: Apparently middle grade covers can even be adorable and illustrated as self-pubs. Note the bird.

35. Suddenly Royal - Nicole Chase

Thoughts: Cinderella may have nothing on Sam, but I'm guessing Sam got a lot from Mia Thermopolis. On an unrelated note, owning a pair of gloves like that and wearing them to a fancy event is on my bucket list.

36. The Corner of Bitter and Sweet - Robin Palmer

Thoughts: Doomed to forever come up after Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet. I find my eye jumping around this cover unpleasantly. It's something about how the font turns the cover into segments; they all draw my eye at the same time. This really is almost physically uncomfortable.

37. Confessions of an Almost-Girlfriend (Confessions #2) - Louise Rozett

Thoughts: THIS.

38. Star Cursed (The Cahill Witch Chronicles #2) - Jessica Spotswood

Thoughts: Before someone points it out to me, yes, I do see that it says COVER NOT FINAL. However, this showed up on GR and I want to voice my harrumph that this should look like the incredibly gorgeous hardback and not like the cheesy as hell paperback. Can we get the auburn-haired model back, pretty please? Do I hear a second?

Cover Battle #1: Fortress Frontier (Shadow Ops #2)

US vs. UK: Well, I don't think I'm the target audience for these at all. However, I think that, for the target audience, the UK cover is much better. That just looks way more badass. The US cover's a bit too Starship Troopers.

Cover Battle #2: Lexicon - Max Barry

US/Can vs. UK/Aus: In a rare turn of events, I actually love both of these. The US cover pulls out a win for me, though, as it's a bit more unique (another single eye cover? really?). I do love that shade of blue on the UK cover.

Cover Battle #3: After Obsession - Carrie Jones & Stephen E. Wedel

Hardback vs. Paperback: I sure hope the cover designers got paid a lot for all their work redesigning this for the paperback edition! Changing the background color around must have been exhausting! And swapping the title and author locations is so innovative. My experience of this cover is totally different! They also had the brilliant thought to add a tagline: "no secret can stay hidden forever." Spooky! And just so original. Seriously, why did they fucking bother?

Cover Battle #4: Life Was Cool Until You Got Popular - Sarah Billington

Original vs. Redesign: I'm not really sure why this was redesigned. Maybe in an effort to look more like Meg Cabot? Maybe I would like the new cover better if they'd gone with college-ruled paper; wide-ruled is for losers!

WTF of the Week: Decorating Spirit (Santa's Helpers) - Zenobia Renquist

Thoughts: Sign #372 that you need to dump your boyfriend: he gives you his dick for Christmas.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:
Iron Kin by M. J. Scott

Find It: 
Goodreads|Amazon|The Book Depository|Barnes & Noble