"It Was Like a Big, Huge Dumping"

You know what I'm sick of in books? Well, actually, you know a lot of things I'm tired of reading, since I complain about them pretty regularly. Today I have another one:

Breaking up with someone for their own benefit

This happens ALL the time in books and pop culture. Edward does it in Twilight, sending Bella into a spiral of depression that sadly doesn't end by death in a motorcycle accident. Stefan pushes Elena away in The Vampire Diaries show after he becomes the Ripper, even though he secretly still lovers her. In the kdrama I'm currently watching, What's Up?, Jang Jae Hun breaks up with Park Tae Yi when he realizes that he accidentally played a role in the death of her father. In Broken at Love, Quinn tries to scare Emilie out of his life because he thinks he doesn't deserve her. That's just a few examples of a really prevalent trope.

I'm willing to admit that these guys do have good intentions. They want to protect their lady loves from themselves. They're dumping these women in hopes that their ladies will live better lives without them. For a whole range of reasons, each one feels like he will make her life worse.

Of course, if he really wanted to protect her, he wouldn't date her in the first place. In most cases, he knows about his issues before he begins the relationship. It's not like Edward and Stefan suddenly realized "Oh shit, I'm a vampire," nor was Quinn surprised to learn how fucked up he was. They knew and got involved anyway, because they couldn't resist. Well, damn, boys, if you couldn't resist before, why can you now? Am I the only one who doesn't think this makes sense? 

Fine, though, your hormones got out of control and here you are. You're dating this girl and, as expected, shit has hit the fan. Her life is endangered because of your presence in it. Obvious solution: dump the dummy for her own good. It's the noble thing to do!

Let me just tell you this, fictional guys, because you obviously don't get it: there's no such thing as a benevolent dumping. See, you're doing this out of the blue. From her perspective, you're crazy in love one moment and then the next you're telling her you have no feelings for her and never want to see her ugly mug again. There are two major problems with your plan.

Problem 1: She still loves you.

You've left this girl at the height of your relationship. She didn't do anything wrong and you've just abandoned her, which will inevitably lead to a spiral of depression, booze and ice cream. Since you didn't tell her why you left, she thinks she must have done something wrong or that you realized that she is actually unlovable. Likely, she'll need many years of therapy to recover from this.

Problem 2: She's even more vulnerable.

In some cases, Mr. Noble left to protect her physically. His logic: The evil paranormals found out about my wimpy human girlfriend and they're going to kill her, so I'll leave and she can be safe. My affection for her makes her a target for attack, so once I'm gone she'll be safe. Flaw: They already know about your girlfriend, so she's still a target, buddy. Only now you're not there to help fight off the evil paranormals. Smooth move.

Other times, though, he leaves to protect her emotional state from his dark past. His logic: Someday, she will learn the dark truth about me and have to walk away from me, since I'm such a monster. Instead, I'll save her the trouble, spare her the inevitable heartbreak. Flaw: You're going to spare her emotional turmoil and heartbreak by DUMPING her? Dude, have you been dumped? It sucks even if you don't like the person much. If she really likes or loves you, her emotions are now fucked for months. She's going to be haunted by the mystery of why you dumped her, since, of course, you didn't give her any reasons.

What should these guys do instead? Fucking communicate! Use your words, gents. Tell her what's up and trust her to be able to make the choice about her own life. Once you entered into this ill-advised relationship, you added her into the equation and, as long as you have feelings for her, she has a say. Never do something in someone else's benefit with out ensuring that it actually is in their best interest.

However, feelings are scary and brooding male heroes can't handle it. So, fine, you want to end things so that she can be safe from you. Here's how you do it: get her to dump you. Of course, there are easy ways, like cheating on her or just telling her you cheated. That will probably do it. I would recommend, if you really love her, taking your time and slowly becoming more of a dick until she has no remaining feelings for you and dumps your ass. That way, she's already over you by the end of the relationship and can move on to someone less misguided.

All of you fictional characters that do this, know this: we see through you. In no way did you dump this person for their benefit. It was all for your own, because you're too much of a coward to talk to your significant other. You're pathetic and you need to grow right the hell up.