Cover Snark (71): The One with Great Imaginations

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don't write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I've linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

This week's edition is special, because I have Kara (Great Imaginations) here with me or should I say I'm here with her, since I'm visiting her in Florida! That means it should be extra snarky up in here.

Shiny and New:

1. Of Metal and Wishes - Sarah Fine

Kara: I love love love the font, but maybe would like to see it in black.
Christina: The white is a bit hard to read on the grey, but I am in love with this girl and her dress and her weird plastic looking curtain.

2. Entwined - Cheryl S. Ntumy

K: This cover's very boring, minus the pretty girl.
C: Agreed. She also needs to get her ass up out of this creepy forest before those shadow people get her.

3. Lair of Dreams (The Diviners #2) - Libba Bray

C: I REJECT THIS.
K: Somebody's about to get hit by a train.
C: The ghost of Anna Karenina is possessing the people of New York City. Oh nooooo.

4. Johnny's Girl - Paige Toon

K: I love covers with palm trees, but there's too much font business happening. Also, are these cutesy little butterflies necessary?
C: No, the butterflies are definitely overkill. Not a fan of the motorcycle either. And the titles of these books. Are we kidding with Johnny Be Good and Baby Be Mine?

5. Off Chance (Off Series #5) - Sawyer Bennett

K: The shadows make him look like he has a unibrow.
C: Damn it. Just when I thought one of these dudes was kind of hot. Also, that bicep is grosssss. It looks fake. AND he would be more hot like fiyah without fake ass flames.

6. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

C: Well, it's certainly representative, but you could have done better, Tesco. Plus, if it's going to look THIS much like a chocolate bar, I'd rather actually have a chocolate bar.
K: The gold ticket and chocolate look way too fake.
C: The oompa loompas need to step up their game, yo.

7. Perfection Challenged (Double Helix #4) - Jade Kerrlon

K: Is that a roller coaster?
C: I don't know, but, if it is, I want to ride it.

8. Moonlight on My Mind - Jennifer McQuiston

K: That dress is about to fall off. There might actually be tits hanging out the front.
C: DUH. HOW DO YOU LURE ROMEO UP YOUR BALCONY IF YOU DON'T GIVE HIM A FLASH OF THE GOODS?
K: Moonlight isn't on ANYBODY'S mind.

9. The Fifth Season - N. K. Jemisin

K: I like it, but....
C: Yeah, I know what you mean. Kinda boring.
K: The fonts and the horizontal rules are pretty clinical. Doesn't hold a candle to her other covers.

10. Dreams of Gods & Monsters (Daughter of Smoke & Bone #3) - Laini Taylor

C: Did Hannibal design this one?
K: I LOVE IT. I can't criticize a thing.

11. Burn (Spark #2) Brooke Cumberland

K: *snorts and rolls on the floor laughing* *revives* IS THAT NICK LACHEY? And that headband. *falls again*
C: Check out those rocking undies.  I can see a D and an I. DICKHEAD brand undies coming to a store near you! Warning: they are highly flammable.

12. No Place Like Oz (Dorothy Must Die #0.5) - Danielle Paige

C: There's also a version of this with a bluer background, but it was small. I really like the combination of the balloon and the yellow brick road.
K: Me too! And the font of Oz is wonderful and Asian-looking.

13. Killer Frost (Mythos Academy #6) - Jennifer Estep

K: These covers bore me.
C: Agreed. Isn't this about the Greek myths? There's so much fascinating stuff in there and a posing girl with fake eyes is what you come back with for 6 books and some novellas?

14. While We Run (When We Wake #2) - Karen Healey

C: THIS CREEPS ME OUT.
K: I hated the cover of the first book.
C: Well, at least this is an improvement?
K: *said grudgingly* Marginally. I guess.

15. Battle of the Beasts (House of Secrets #2) - Chris Columbus & Ned Vizzini

K: I love this, and it goes well with the first.
C: Fucking giant series title. I do like that Aslan's going to eat that kid.

16. Catching Fire: The Official Illustrated Movie Companion - Kate Egan

K: She looks super fake, and her eyes look different than usual. Like she's a wax figure.
C: Agreed. She also looks a bit fishy, because the costume looks like scales.

17. Cibola Burn (Expanse #4) - James S. A. Corey

C: Science fiction with SPLOSIONS.

18. The Widow's House (The Dagger and the Coin #4) - Daniel Abraham

K: If someone wants that shield, they better rescue it before it sinks.
C: Or maybe these belong to a magician, and they're about to fly off and do his fighting while he has some tea and crumpets. That's what I would do, though I don't actually know what a crumpet is.

19. Soar (The Empire Chronicles #1) - Alyssa Rose Ivy

C: I really hate these covers. They've made her books distinct with that font treatment, but that's not how I would want to be remembered.
K: Oh, hey, Freddie Prinze Jr. I guess the career's not going so hot. They're also not soaring. Though they might be if they don't stop making out in the damn street.

20. Aspen - Rebekah Crane

C: All I can think looking at this is how much it's going to hurt when she tries to get that tiara out of her hair. I have a curls and the answer to how much is: LIKE A BITCH.
K: That must have been one hell of a convertible ride in front of the float to do that to her hair. Or, she did whatever I did to my Barbies when I was a kid.

21. Sidelined - Kendra C. Highley

K: He's got a lot of arm hair.
C: It's normal, but body hair on covers is so freaking creepy.
K: Also, GROIN. It's all I can see. What does that tagline mean?
C: Well, clearly, he has been sidelined in basketball, but his girlfriend also won't let him below the waist. Note the way she is keeping his arm higher. So, the other way to suffer, aside from sports failure is blue balls.

22. Secrets and Lies (Truth or Dare #2) - Jacqueline Green

C: TOO. MUCH. PURPLE.
K: I agree. Totally boring in every way.

23. The Girl with All the Gifts - M. R. Carey

K: This is kinda cool. Really creepy though. Little kids creep me out anyway.
C: Me too! Children are frightening! This makes me think of this song. SHE HAS ALL THE THINGS. And gizmos. And thingamabobs!
K: Well, it makes me think of Firestarter. Seriously, creepy children.

24. The Path to Power - Karen Miller

C: THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
K: This looks like a Christian fiction cover to me.
C: Well, there goes that. I thought it looked like HBO's Rome, which is the other direction.

25. The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August - Claire North

K: Ooooh, I love this.
C: Me too, except maybe for the person as the I. It's a bit gimmicky.

26. The Ripper Affair (Bannon & Clare #3) - Lilith Saintcrow

C: The guy's pretty cute, but the steampunk couple posing has been done to death.
K: At least it matches the first two. Though they do look like they went to one of those Western photography places.

27. Reign of Ash - Gail Z. Martin

C: Are these my only options? I choose cowardice.
K: This cover is exceedingly phallic.

28. Heaven's Queen (Paradox #2) - Rachel Bach

C: This cover is brought to you by Machiavelli.
K: Orrrr it's straight from the Backstreet Boys video for Larger Than Life.

29. Cursed Moon (The Prospero's War #2) - Jaye Wells

C: I'm pretty sure I have cooked AND gotten burned on more than one occasion.
K: Seriously, what the fuck does that mean? But I guess I'd rather burn if I had to.
C: Me too. Cooking's the worst.
K: Also, those Os look like boobs. UNSEE IT.

30. Sisters' Fate (The Cahill Witch Chronicles #3) - Jessica Spotswood

C: I AM STILL SO PISSED THAT THEY MADE THESE LOOK LIKE ABC FAMILY SHOWS RATHER THAN THE AWESOME ORIGINAL COVER.
K: I'm not over it either. This makes me angry as well.
C: The sisters' fate must be to have shitty covers.

31. Saving Raphael Santiago (Bane Chronicles #6) - Cassandra Clare & Sarah Rees Brennan

C: Are these ever going to stop being boring blue swirlies? I mean, I get they're going to add up into a giant picture, but they should still be interesting individually.

32. Half-Off Ragnarok (InCryptid #3) - Seanan McGuire

K: This is just so bad.
C: I know. It's like True Blood as a graphic novel or something. And not in a good way.

33. Proxy (Avalon #0.5) - Mindee Arnett

K: BORING.
C: Agreed. Still trying to figure out what the fuck this is a picture of.

34. The Violet Hour - Whitney A. Miller

K: I do like this, because the background Angkor Wat.
C: Too freaked out by the eyes and the smoke on her face.

35. Cracked (Soul Eaters #1) - Eliza Crewe

K: *sighs deeply*
C: Yeahhhhh, this is telling me nothing.

36. Heated - J. Kenner

C: Don't you like the way they imply he has a GIANT penis by drawing the t from his crotch all the way up?
K: No, no, no. Put your pants back on, sir.

37. The Midnight Witch - Paula Brackston

C: These look like shoes I would have thought were the fanciest when I was like 7.
K: I like this A LOT. Purple is my favorite color, and I definitely want to check this out.

38. Bad Luck Girl (The American Fairy Trilogy Book 3) - Sarah Zettel

C: Love her dress and hat! I want them.
K: Goes well with the other books in the series but...
C: The background looks a bit cheesy and fake.
K: I'll stay in that hotel, if that's what it is, though.

39. Half Bad - Sally Green

C: This is so awesome, though the title is really hard to read.
K: I like it, but I'm not sure if it's right for the intended audience. I don't look at this and think YA. More like badass zombie book.

40. The Oregon Trail Diary of Willa Porter - Andy Marino

C: Love the art on Tor's ebooks.
K: Not my type of illustration.
C: I can never make it to Oregon, because all of my damn oxen die, and those rattlesnakes think I'm delicious.

41. The Wicked We Have Done - Sarah Harian

K: Ooooh, love! Blue covers are my favorite.
C: Mine too!
K: The font's great as well.
C: Some nice blood spatter too.

Cover Battles:

1. The Diviners (The Diviners #1) - Libba Bray

UK vs. Australian vs. US Hardback vs. US Paperback: Kara: I LOVE the Aussie cover. Christina: I'm cool with either the UK or the US hardback covers. The US paperback is a freaking travesty.

 

WTF of the Week: 

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I've found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of "Dear God, what is that thing?" If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to cynicalsapphire@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. The Dumont Diaries -Alessandra Torre

C: This is how I always covort in my pool. Naked, but for a scarf.

2. Winters Heat (Titan #1) - Cristin Harber

K:Cristin Harber might know how to write guns and studs better than anyone, but she sure doesn't know where to place her apostrophes.
C: I guess as long as the heroes know where to place their...

3. Panic (Rook and Ronin #3) - J.A. Huss

C: Now is the perfect time to panic.

4. Now and Again (Now #2) - Brenda Rothert

K: Ewwwwww, it looks like a conjugal visit. And the armpit hair and the hairy chest and the photoshopped ring and her Mike Tyson mouth chomp.
C: Also note the creepy tagline and how the "and" in the title sort of looks like the knotting on a noose above her head.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

The Oregon Trail Diary of Willa Porter by Andy Marino

The Outstanding Cover of the Week is now chosen by a Cover Snark reader, not me. They are free to pick any of the week's covers, whether they're to my personal tastes or not. If you'd like to choose the cover for a week, either email or tweet me. You will need to be available Wednesday evening to consult.

Today, Frodo (Frodo's Blog of Randomness) chose the outstanding cover and here's why he picked The Oregon Trail Diary of Willa Porter:

"The artwork is beautiful in a haunting way. It looks like a guarantee to be used in schools. If my reading material had a cover with that style and emotion pouring out of it I'd have thanked the teacher that gave it to me."

Learn More:

Artist's Tumblr