Cover Snark (36): Where Couples Look Better with Their Heads Cut Off

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don't write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I've linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Commenting pro tip: The easiest way to comment on such a long post is to open the post in two windows (really easy if you use Google Reader). Comment in one and scroll the covers in the other. That's actually how I comment on other people's reviews too. I can't remember all my comments by the time I get to the box!

1. Release - Nicole Hadaway

Thoughts: A well-done self pub, but still confusing. Why, foe example, is she naked? Plus, there are flames behind her, which are one of the things that kill vampires, so shouldn't she be running away, rather than making sexy faces? The little swastika, while useful for telling me the time period in which this is set, could have been integrated in a more logical way, like on a burning flag or something. As far as photoshopped eyes go, these are pretty good, and I do like how vampiric she looks.

2. The Magician's Tower (Oona Crate #2) - Shawn Thomas Odyssey

Thoughts: Oh, middle grade covers. You are so adorable. I especially love trees on mg covers. Is that weird? I also love the tilty buildings. The illustrations for the people aren't my favorite, but I do love their snazzy outfits.

3. The Deepest Night (The Sweetest Dark #2) - Shana Abé

Thoughts: Oh no, there's another one. Well, this is in keeping with the first cover. I do not, however, recommend putting a bunch of smoke only behind your heroine, because I'm going to assume she had a giant bean burrito at lunch and is stinking up the place. They're probably trying to show how she can becoming smoke, but that was not the way to do it.

4. Long Simmering Spring (Star Harbor #3) - Elisabeth Barrett

Thoughts: I feel like there should be a comma between long and simmering. Whatever. At least they didn't photoshop this dude's nipples off. Is he supposed to be a doctor? A masseuse? Who has a robe with pockets? I don't even know.

5. Carniepunk

Thoughts: BAHAHAHAHAHA, Carniepunk. OH MAN. Okay, now that I got that out of the way, they did an excellent job with the cover, but I can't not laugh at the whole concept. *snorts and walks away*

6. Revelations (The Becoming #3) - Jessica Meigs

Thoughts: How the eff did he get dirty like that? Does he work as a mechanic when he's not shooting zombies? Or is he a zombie? Do zombies wear shiny pants? Why does he need sunglasses when it's dark outside?

7. Sleuth on Skates - Clementine Beauvais

Thoughts: Gah, I hate the artwork style for people. They look like a pig and a fish had a baby. *shudders* I do, however, very much approve of the duck riding a skateboard.

8. Suicide Watch - Kelley York

Thoughts: Meh. The more I look at this, the less I like it. Simple was the way to go, but that title font is awful, and I hate that the head completely blends into the pants.

9. The Path of Names - Ari Goelman

Thoughts: Yay! Another middle grade cover. I love the way the title is done, and the maze is awesome.

10. Daughter of the Earth and Sky - Kaitlin Bevis

Thoughts: "Some vows can never be broken." Ugh. I also very much disapprove of the publishers name and the random word running up the right side. Mostly, though, this is a decent indie cover.

11. Oxford Whispers (The Oxford Trilogy #1) - Marion Croslydon

Thoughts: Unfortunate makeup + unflattering shirt make the pretty model thing a bit of a fail. What deserves to be punched in the face is that tagline: "Fall in love for the first time . . . Again." Ew. Also, why is it so damn large? (That's what she said.)

12. The Sire - M.S. Fowle

Thoughts: I actually rather like this, but I'm really not sure what genre this is supposed to be. Middle grade fantasy? They do look small, so might be kids. Paranormal? The Sire sounds like a vampire thing. Christian? The sun and setting really scream Christian fiction to me.

13. Double Crossed (Heist Society Novella) - Ally Carter

Thoughts: I feel like this goes better with her Gallagher Girls covers than Heist Society. Mostly meh.

14. Flicker & Burn (Cold Fury #2) - T. M. Goeglein

Thouhgts: The way you can't see her eyes creeps me out. Also, that title font is hard to read. Otherwise, this just says "I'M A THRILLER!"

15. Skinny Weeks & Weekend Feasts - Gizzi Erskine

Thoughts: Normally, I have no interest in cookbook covers, but this right here is awesome.

16. Interred (Chronicles of the Interred #1) - Marilyn Almodóvar

Thoughts: Pretty good for a self pub. The clock's slightly pinker shade of gray doesn't blend very well, but I do like the way "Book No. One" was stuck in there.

17. Second Rate Chances - Holly Stephens

Thoughts: I actually really like this cover. The font and colors blend together really nicely. This self pub wins.

18. Perfectly Unmatched - Liz Reinhardt

Thoughts: How will they ever last? She wears stripes and he wears plaids!!!!

19. Up to Me (The Bad Boys Series #2) - M. Leighton

Thoughts: Seriously, am I the only one who is hugely creeped out by romance covers that have a hidden person grabbing someone's chest? I do like the placement of the word "Up" by his crotch to help those who didn't get it.

20. Hurt - Tabitha Suzuma

Thoughts: He's probably hurting because he has an ocean in his chest. That's really not normal, and he should probably get it checked out. I also question whether this is a final cover, because what the fuck is "strapline"?

21. Wicked Lies (Dark Mission #4.5) - Karina Cooper

Thoughts: Calling this man or this cover sexy is a wicked lie.

22. Flirting with Maybe - Wendy Higgins

Thoughts: Harper Impulse, what the hell? Why don't they try. Even the HarperTeen Impulse image looks awful. Did they really think a badly taken shot of impossibly backlit people was a good call? Also, designer-shaming for that heart cloud.

23. The Year I Almost Drowned - Shannon McCrimmon

Thoughts: THE COVER WHERE i randomly use capitalization.

24. I Choose You (Friends & Lovers #2) - Bethany Lopez

Thoughts: Stubble just does not look good in a close up. Okay, designers? Also, I really, REALLY want to get that hair off her face.

25. Live for Me (The Everetts of Tyler #3) - Hayden Braeburn

Thoughts: Someone get the paddles STAT. This cover is dying of awfulness!

26. The Maleficent Seven (Skulduggery Pleasant #7.5) - Derek Landy

 Thoughts: Actually, I don't think this cover is awful. In fact, I think it works really well for a particular audience, though I am not it. However, I really thought it was a self pub, but apparently it's Harper. O_O

27. Wildly - Debra Kayn

Thoughts: The balls are a metaphor.

28. Two Serpents Rise (Three Parts Dead #2)  - Max Gladstone 

Thoughts: I don't see any serpents. This is a nice male-targeted cover. I love his outfit. Why don't more guys dress like that?

29. When I'm With You, Part 1 - Beth Kery

Thoughts: Now, I don't care enough to upload the full series of 8 50 Shades inspired covers, but I recommend you go check them out yourself for a chuckle on the author's blog. This new trend of making random objects sexy really cracks me up. This is even better, because apparently it's now sexy to eat pearls like spaghetti.

30. Possession (Forsaken #1) - Alicia Wright Brewster

Thoughts: Umm, I kind of love this. Diversity for the win. Also, I totally would not have guessed this was coming from an indie press, so bravo.

31. Earthbound - Aprilynne Pike

Thoughts: "Can a heart that's been bound to earth still soar?" *gags* I really don't know what's up with this cover. It's well done, but it sure looks stupid. I blame the purple triangle.

Cover Battles:

 1. The Daylight War (Demon Cycle #3) - Peter V. Brett

 US vs. UK:

Actually, I like both of these. Non-white fantasy for the win. Winner: US for the better fonts and less hilarious pose.

2. Omens (Cainsville #1) - Kelley Armstrong

US vs. UK: Well, hello, fantasy bird! You were missing from the US cover, but you're here now, which is all that matters. Winner: UK. Both are decent, but I like the UK cover much better, despite the addition of the lame tagline in much too large font.

3. After Eden (After Eden #1) - Helen Douglas

 Take 1 vs. Take 2: Oh, Bloomsbury. You need to go find some new designers, because your current ones are having a BAD trip. Listen, I give you full credit for realizing how shitty the first stab at this cover was and getting a new cover out the next day, however THAT'S what you went with? Getting rid of the noxious green gases was a good move. The poses were very awkward in that first cover, I agree, but it doesn't follow that floating heads are a better option, especially when the girl has scary eye. Nor do the fantasy birds need to be flying through his neck. Also, I'm pretty certain the very worst part of the cover was the font, which appears to be a slightly different shade of pink, but that really wasn't the issue. Winner: The cover designers who are still getting paid for crappy work.

4. Forget Me Not (Mystic Wolves #2) - Belinda Boring

Original vs. Redesign: I still hate his face, but I appreciate that she's trying to choke the obnoxious cockiness out of him. Boring author, y u no have pseudonym? Winner: Redesign.

5. Back to You - Priscilla Glenn

Original vs. Redesign: Mehs all around! Winner: Original for being less yellow.

6. Katie's Hope (Rhyn Trilogy #1) - Lizzy Ford 

Original vs. Redesign: I also hate this guy's face. Winner: Redesign for obvious reasons.

7. Rhyn's Redemption (Rhyn Trilogy #3) - Lizzy Ford

Original vs. Redesign:  This redesign might be my favorite of the lot, though I use "favorite" loosely. Does the dude in the first one have a nipple under that tattoo or not? Winner: Redesign.

8. Cold Fury - T. M. Goeglein

Hardback vs. Paperback: Both convey the right idea about the series, I think. I don't really care. Winner: It's a draw.

9. Because of Low (Sea Breeze #2) - Abbi Glines

Self-Pub vs. S&S: Good job, Simon & Schuster. These look nice, though not at all like something I would probably enjoy, which is about right. Also, can I have her dress? Winner: Simon & Schuster.

10. While It Lasts (Sea Breeze #3) - Abbi Glines

 Self-Pub vs. S&S: Much as I hate dudes with open shirts for no reason and cowboy hats, the original was a dude on a hay bale, so that puts things in perspective. Winner: Simon & Schuster.

11. Just for Now (Sea Breeze #4) - Abbi Glines

Self-Pub vs. S&S: Again, this is a really obvious cover battle. I really love her outfit, and the way they've actually made these look like a series is great. Winner: Simon & Schuster across the board!

12. Mothership (Ever-Expanding Universe #1) - Martin Leicht & Isla Neal

Hardback vs. ebook: Ebook cover, WHY? I am so grossed out by what's going on there. Winner: Hardback for being cute and funny and not looking like a pregnant teen from the Zenon cast.

13. iFeel (Vis Vires Trilogy #1) - Marissa Carmel

Original vs. Redesign: Now I know where they got the inspiration for the Earthbound cover. I really hate that this is called iFeel. Winner: Original if it's contemporary; redesign if it's paranormal.

14. Moon Spell (Tales of the Lunarmorte #1) - Samantha Young

Original vs. Redesign:  Sigh. Winner: Original for being at least somewhat original and not having glowing eyes.

15. Take a Bow - Elizabeth Eulberg

Hardback vs. Paperback: I'm glad I have the hardback. The title font on the paperback is cute, but that does not counteract the light blue background and heart guitar. Winner: Hardback, because the paperback is cheesy and boring.

WTF of the Week: Capital Bride (Matchmaker and Co.) - Cynthia Woolf

 Thoughts: If you're looking at this and thinking But that's just a boring romance cover, take a close look. This is actually illustrated in a very strange style. It's my WTF because I have no idea why one would go to all of that effort to make something this bad.

I'm not unreservedly in love with any of the covers this week, so no Outstanding cover for me. Do any of them earn it from you?