Cover Snark (35): In Which WTF of the Week Loses All Meaning

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don't write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I've linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Commenting pro tip: The easiest way to comment on such a long post is to open the post in two windows (really easy if you use Google Reader). Comment in one and scroll the covers in the other. That's actually how I comment on other people's reviews too. I can't remember all my comments by the time I get to the box!

1. The Summer I Became a Nerd - Leah Rae Miller

Thoughts: Hmmm, Entangled can to better than this. It looks like a self pub, ngl. However, it's vibrant and fun, and one of the best covers you'll be getting this week, so enjoy it.

2. Fanged Princess (Fanged Princess #1) - Elisabeth Wheatley

Thoughts: She looks like Xena. More importantly, WHAT IS SHE HOLDING? A hedgehog?

3. Honey Red - Liz Crowe

Thoughts: In and of itself, the fact that the cover's been designed to look like a beer is pretty awesome, though I'm not a huge fan of the art style. Very meta as well, since the girl on the beer label is drinking the same beer with her on the label.

4. School Spirits (Hex Hall Spin-Off #1)  - Rachel Hawkins

Thoughts: Oh look, a bird. Meh. The Hex Hall covers are a bit too cutesy to rank very high for me, but this fits well with the others.

5. World of Shell and Bone - Adriana Ryan

Thoughts: Pretty, but this girl could use some shells. I mean, if a mermaid's self-conscious about her breasts, then she would find something to cover them besides her arm, right? That cannot make swimming easy. Aside from that, this is pretty lovely.

6. Lady of Pleasure (School of Gallantry #3) - Delilah Marvelle

Thoughts: With the release of these covers, they did something cool, where they shared photos of the photo shoot, then allowed for comparison between the photographs taken and the finished covers. They deepened the red of her dress, made her less pasty white, and gave him better hair. Interesting, no?

7. Night of Pleasure (School of Gallantry) - Delilah Marvelle

Thoughts: More tanning has been done, as well as making her weird underwears into sexy ones.

8. Master of Pleasure (School of Gallantry) - Delilah Marvelle

Thoughts: They were doing so well with these up to now. Ugh. Look at that guy. Gross. Also, sort of looks like she's passed out in his arms, not a willing participant (who would be?!?!). Are they not alone? Why are they both shielding themselves with sheets?

9. Hover (The Taking #2) - Melissa West

Thoughts: Pretty, but a bit of a disappointment compared to the first book. I think what's ruining it for me is how absurd the rocks floating in space look. Plus, the ring around the planet looks like it's shooting from the ornamentation surrounding the title.

10. Deeper We Fall - Chelsea Cameron

Thoughts: Makes me think of this cover, because of the shading and the hands. I'm really just not sure what's happening here and the title font is a bit too ridiculous, but, for this week, it's pretty decent.

11. Fault Line - C. Desir

Thoughts: Who knew a lighter looked so pretty like a sparkler? Simple and lovely. Also, this is an effective tagline.

12. Mortality - Kellie Sheridan

Thoughts: Very good for a self pub, though I suspect this is not a lesbian romance between a zombie and a human, which is what the cover seems to be promising me. I would also like to know what's in the sky: men in a helicopter coming to end them for challenging "family values"?

13. The Neptune Project - Polly Holyoke

Thoughts: Holy cover fail, Batman. What the actual fuck is this? Disney just managed to make dolphins look ugly. That takes some doing, so how about a slow clap for all of the effort they must have put in. That wasn't enough so they threw in some poorly animated children. As always, I find myself stunned that this cover managed to get past so many people without anyone realizing what utter crap it is. Maybe the people responsible for covers really do just sit around drunk all the time?

14. London's Last True Scoundrel - Christina Brooke 

Thoughts: BAHAHAHA. I feel like I'm BUTTing in. Maybe I should leave this one alone.

15. The Girl with the Iron Touch (Steampunk Chronicles #3) - Kady Cross

Thoughts: Well, hello, sassy ginger! She does not look pleased. Maybe because she's been forced into green leather? That can't be comfortable and probably makes rude noises when she walks. Like this.

16. Rising Darkness (Game of Shadows #1) - Thea Harrison

Thoughts: Has that city been taken over by Aragorn's ghost army? That sword also looks a good bit like Sting when orcs are near...

17. Desolate City (Albertos Series #1) - Racquel Jones

Thoughts: With different font treatments and slightly less purple, I would approve of this.

18. Someone to Love - Addison Love

Thoughts: She is SO skinny! Look at her hand; it's basically skeletal. O_O Model, I made you this sandwich. Please eat it. As for the dude...no. This couple clearly bonded over their love of denim and hatred of shirts, the firmest foundation for a relationship.

19. The Nymph's Labyrinth - Danica Waters

Thoughts: Just in case you didn't get what they meant by "labyrinth," they helpfully added a bunch of phallic symbols in the background. You're welcome.

20. The Retribution of Mara Dyer (Mara Dyer #3) - Michelle Hodkin

Thoughts: This appeared on Amazon as the small image for The Evolution of Mara Dyer. Could be a leak of the actual cover, which seems likely given how much like the others it looks. I like it, but changes might be made. Interesting that they appear not to be underwater anymore maybe.

21. Shatter (Delaney's Gift #2) - Amber Garza

Thoughts: Stupid tattoo covers aren't just for men anymore!

 22. The Immortal Circus - A. R. Kahler

Thoughts: BRB. Overcome by a need to go to Cirque du Soleil.

23. A Song for Julia - Charles Sheehan-Miles

Thoughts: Good work, indie press. No idea what age group this cover would be appealing to, though.

24. Walking Away - Adriane Boyd

Thoughts: "Pumbaa: It's times like this my buddy Timon here says: you got to put your behind in your past.
 Timon: No, no, no. Amateur. Lie down before you hurt yourself. It's "You got to put your past behind you."

25. The Henry Sessions (DISARM #4) - June Gray

Thoughts: I suspect something unsavory is going on here. I mean, there's a book and this guy's not reading...

26. The End of Darkness (Offspring #3) - Jaime Rush

Thoughts: I often bemoan the preponderance of musclebound meatheads on romance covers, but this is most definitely not better. I won't even get into the floating face or the tattoo. I can't.

27. Star Cursed (Curse of the Beast #2) - Ashley Lavering

Thoughts: Honey, don't quit your day job. Even the wolf is not impressed. Second week in a row with a star cursed cover for a book called Star Cursed. Maybe it's a sign, guys.

28. Copper Girl (Copper Legacy #1) - Jennifer Allis Provost

Thoughts: Oooh, now that's a cool-looking tattoo. I love how simple and classy this is. The tattoo could be less lame (I'm haunted by birds!), but otherwise I approve.

29. Chloe's Double Draw (King's Bluff, Wyoming) - Fiona Archer

Thoughts: Oh, Siren Publishing, you never fail to entertain me. Of course, the title alone is good for many lols. What you may have missed is the lone book in the bottom right corner. There are so many possibilities implied by this boot.

30. Pride and Prejudice: The Wild and Wanton Edition - Annabella Bloom

Thoughts: Poor Pride & Prejudice. I'm pretty sure this work gets more abuse than any other in literature. The cover's acceptable, though.

31. Ethan (Brightest Kind of Darkness #.5) - P. T. Michelle

Thoughts: You know where self pub covers frequently slay the big six on covers? Novellas. The big 6 don't even try, but this clearly had as much work go into it as the novels did. Yes, I am mostly using this cover as a forum to shame the big publishers for not even trying with their ebooks. I want you to know: we see what you're doing. The forest in the background is pretty enough to make me forgive that tattoo, but not the fact that the author puts both her publishing names on the cover. If you want everyone to know who you are, publish everything under one goddamn name.

32. The Witch's Curse (Legend of the Dreamer #1.1) - David James

Thoughts: Now this self pub does look like what the large publishers do. Well done, though. Much better than A Dance with Darkness.

33. After Eden (After Eden #1) - Helen Douglas

Thoughts: Why? Why are even the covers with big publishers behind them like this? Nothing says charisma like shoving your hands in your pockets. Are pockets protection from the noxious lime green gases floating everywhere? Is there a reason the title's done up in neon? Or for why the publisher decided to put their name on the cover?

34. Dare to Be Dirty (The Dirty Girls Book Club #2) - Savanna Fox

Thoughts: Bahahaha, look what 50 Shades has done to romance covers. Accessories are HAWT now. And dangerous. ;) Apparently, someone's about to lasso a cowboy with a brown belt. Either that's the longest belt in history or someone doesn't understand lassoing. Why the belt is looped into the infinity symbol is something for you to figure out. Enjoy also that this purports to have something to do with a book club. O_O

35. Cryo: Rise of the Immortals - G. Wakeling

Thoughts: This could have been an interesting enough cover, but for some reason they decided to use a fake-looking man with leprosy. I'm pretty sure the idea of being frozen alive is already creepy enough. Those fonts are awful too.

36. Forbidden (Forbidden #1) - J.V.K.

Thoughts: First sign you should run screaming from a self pub? A grammatical error on the freaking cover.

37. Anno Dracula: Johnny Alucard - Kim Newman

Thoughts: Oooh, pretty, though I'm confused as to why NYC is on top of a mountain. Then again, I don't follow the news, so maybe Sandy did this.

38. Soul Avenged (Sons of Wrath #1) - Keri Lake

Thoughts: Flattering that outfit is not. Ditto that title font.

39. Fiery Edge of Steel - Jill Archer

Thoughts: Wow, this is a cool illustrated cover. Can I tell you how much I want that cloak? SO, SO MUCH. I would trade any future children for that cloak. I'll also take the corset while I'm at it. Also awesome? That that fire does not look absurd.

40. Wolf's Touch (Caedmon Wolves #3) - Ambrielle Kirk

Thoughts: No woman could resist his touch. And no half-naked dude, for that matter.

41. Lost in You (Petal, Georgia #2) - Lauren Dane

Thoughts: Steampunk FAIL.

42. Tales from the Clarke (The Human Division #5) - John Scalzi

Thoughts: Science fiction cover designers, did no one tell you that the 90s are over? Take this as your official notice.

43. Saving Mars (Saving Mars #1)  - Cidney Swanson

Thoughts: That blurb makes me want to cry. Anyway, my emotions over pop culture aside, I like the redhead, even if she would surely be dead since she's in space without oxygen.

44. Defying Mars (Saving Mars #2) - Cidney Swanson

Thoughts: Hugging yourself will not keep you from dying in the vacuum of space. Good try, though.

45. Secrets 5 (Secrets #5) - H.M. Ward

Thoughts: Seriously, H.M. Ward writes a new book more often than he/she changes his/her underwear. This is ridiculous. This guy's facial hair looks effed. Yet again, there's an unattributed blurb, meaning that it has been said by no one ever with regards to the books.

46. Tranquility's Grief - Krista D. Hall

Thoughts: That font does not belong on epic fantasy. Not one bit. Because of the placement of the scar and sword, it looks like she just did that to herself.

47. Mindspeak - Heather Sunseri

Thoughts: Having crazy eyes is a prerequisite to mindspeaking.

48. Wolf Spell (Wolf Spell #1) - M.R. Polish

Thoughts: Someone, please take away this designer's access to Photoshop. There are so many things wrong with this that I hardly know where to begin. Maybe with the dog on the left, which fails at being a wolf? Maybe with that the fonts? Or how about the way that chick's hair is floating? Or the fact that these three people have clearly been taken from very different images, and do not belong together at all? Or the four shiny lights? I just. NO.

49. Phantom Eyes (Witch Eyes #3) - Scott Tracey

Thoughts: This series has not been well-treated. Floating eyes are awful to begin with. Add to that the way the eye color has been messed with, the fact that the eyebrows don't match in location or style, and that one of the eyes is sparking and what we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a hot mess. I DO like the background colors, so that's something at least.

Cover Battles:

1. The Modified (The Biotics Trilogy #1) - C.A. Kunz

First Attempt vs. Retry: YAY! I just love when mocking of a cover makes them go back to the drawing board and do better. Isn't it great when people learn from their mistakes?

2. Antigoddess (Antigoddess #1) - Kendare Blake

Kat Kennedy x3 vs. Tor: Best be preparing yourselves for a rant. I'll give you some time for that while I explain what's going on here. Kat Kennedy of Cuddlebuggery makes some cover alternatives whenever Cuddlebuggery has an exclusive cover reveal, in addition to doing a hilarious interview. Check that out here. Anyway, I don't think I need to tell you, though I will anyway, that Kat will obviously be designing all covers in the future. Her talent is overwhelming. Make sure you click on them to see the larger version for full impact. In all seriousness, I would take any of Kat's covers over the final product, which is simply awful. This looks like a shitty self pub copy of all of the obnoxious feather covers that are coming out these days, particularly with that title font of awful. Why there's a feather on the cover is a mystery, as is the fact that the pristine white feather is bleeding. I think this is supposed to make me curious, but it only makes me want to throw things.

3.  On the Edge (The Edge #1) - Ilona Andrews

Us vs. UK: Even with the awful face-touching issue, the UK cover is something I might pick up, but the US one is awful. I mean, look at that mess. Swirly magic, a red sports car, and a naked, long-haired man floating in the background.

4. Bayou Moon (The Edge #2) - Ilona Andrews

US vs. UK: In spite of the floating man, I like the US one because it kind of looks like that chick is holding a light saber. The force is strong with that one.

5. Fate's Edge (The Edge #3) - Ilona Andrews

US vs. UK: More awkward face touching! PUT YOUR HAND DOWN! I do wish the US would stop with the damn floating man heads though.

6. With All My Soul (Soul Screamers #7) - Rachel Vincent

US vs. UK: While I do actually like what the UK covers have done with the series well enough, I ADORE the US covers for the series. These are THE BEST pretty dress covers.

7. Katie's Hellion - Lizzy Ford

Origina vs. Redesign: Well, I don't love either, but at least the first one had sass, rather than reminding me of mopey Bella Swan.

8. The Mystic Wolves (The Mystic Wolves #1) - Belinda Boring 

 Original vs. Redesign: Ick. I hate their faces. However, the cover is better done, so whatever. Pro tip: if your last name is Boring, get a pseudonym.

9. Angel of Fire - Tanya Anne Crosby

Original vs. Redesign: I cannot even believe I have to admit that I like the 90s romance cover better. What the heck is up with the artwork on this new one. Oof.

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

Fault Line by C. Desir

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