Cover Snark (66): If You Can't Stand the Snark...

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don't write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I've linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Forever (Temptation #3) - Karen Ann Hopkins

Thoughts: Best way to make your Amish boyfriend's family accept you: flash them your underwear while making out with your boyfriend in a field. They just love that. Actually, I'm not sure if she's wearing underwear. There's certainly no VPL. Why does she need to be princess carried anyway? And, seriously, why would you let someone carry you like that when you're wearing a loose, short skirt. GAH.

2. Fates (Fates #1) - Lanie Bross

Thoughts: Another girl who's probably flashing everyone in front of her. My, aren't we all open today? What I want to know is how she got to this rock without getting wet and extinguishing her lamp. Thing that REALLY bugs me: The title is in different fonts, so it looks like it reads FAT and then someone stuck an ES on the end. WHY? Is this about weight issues AND fate?

3. Hexed (The Witch Hunter #1) - Michelle Krys

Thoughts: You can tell she's a witch because she has big, poofy hair like Hermione. Speaking of, I'm still waiting for my magical powers that I obviously have. *taps foot*

4. School of Charm - Lisa Ann Scott

Thoughts: *pets the middle grade adorable* Look at the little blue house! I want to live there. Except that all those pretty flowers would mean bees everywhere, so, nevermind, I rescind my offer for this house.

5. The Woodlands - Lauren Nicolle Taylor

Thoughts: She has steps and trees in her face. I shall call her Stairface. Better than the girls with branches or roots growing on their faces, I guess. Also, I love the title font. So cute!


6. Caressed by Shadows (Rulers of Darkness #4) - Amanda J. Greene

Thoughts: Honey, if a man tells you he's just a shadow so it's okay, DO NOT BELIEVE HIM.

7. Indigo - Fiauna Lund

Thoughts: Ahhhhhhhh, that looks so uncomfortable. Like, it's pretty cool but I CANNOT.

8. The Shoe (The Believe Series #2) - Trista Jaszczak

Thoughts: Finn and Carly have been together for six months. Finn loves Carly; Carly loves shoes and Fifty Shades. Finn, ready to propose to Carly, has a genius plan. He will propose by putting the ring on her favorite dominatrix heels, expecting that she will find it during the night's festivities. What he failed to consider: walking. The ring fell off as they were walking to dinner and was never to be found again. On the plus side, it was only cubic zirconia.

9. All of You - Christina Lee

Thoughts: Pretty colors. Also, is she wearing pants? Or, really, is she wearing anything? The dude sort of looks like Chace Crawford, yes?

10. The Awakening (The Geis #1) - Christy Dorrity

Thoughts: It's all fun and games until you lose an eye. Time for a manicure. They're meant to be intimidating, but imagine if they don't retract. She'd be like Edward Scissorhands basically. Edwina Stilettofingers.

11. Shinobi (Katana #3) - Cole Gibsen

Thoughts: I am not entirely convinced that the blonde is really holding that katana. Also, what is up with her hair. Let's leave some of it over one eye like a makeshift eye patch, and then have the ghostliness of the part on the right sort of make it look like she has Vulcan ears. Totally a good call.

12. Open Road Summer - Emery Lord

Thoughts: This looks like a new adult cover, but it's not. The trends are seeping into traditionally published YA. Noooo, whyyyyy? I do like the bicycle and that the guy is shirted and possibly cute. I do not like the kissyfaces and the lens flare.

13. Reborn (Shadow Falls: After Dark #1) - C. C. Hunter

Thoughts: Coming soon on the CW starring Nina Dobrev!

14. Altered (Crewel World #2) - Gennifer Albin

Thoughts: ... Well, I sort of see what they're going for, but at the same time no. The hourglass shape doesn't really seem fitting (wouldn't a loom be more appropriate?) and I REALLY don't like that this is a person cover.

15. Killer of Enemies - Joseph Bruchac

Thoughts: Lame tagline aside, this is pretty boss. POC kicking some ass is awesome. Even sweeter, she gets to wear pants! I also really like that she's actually using her guns, not just posing with them. However, is she flying right now? What's happening?

16. Beautiful Player - Christina Lauren

Thoughts: Meh. At least he has a shirt on. This is a good week for clothing retailers.

17. Letters from a Murderer - John Matthews

Thoughts: It's not so much about the kind of cop, as about his haberdashery.

18. Sometimes It Lasts (Sea Breeze #5) - Abbi Glines

Thoughts: What is she holding? A yard stick? What are they trying to imply? *raises eyebrows* *rolls eyes*

19. Model Misfit (Geek Girl #2) - Holly Smale

Thoughts: Note to self: never allow anyone to photograph you with your tongue sticking out.

20. Chaos (Kardia Chronicles #1) - Christine O'Neil

Thoughts: Always good to put your fate and boobs in the hands of a random guy. He's totally trustworthy, I'm sure. Just flash him every so often to keep him motivated. As such, I recommend an outfit that allows for easy boob access, like a leather jacket over...nothing.

21. It Happened One Wedding (FBI/US Attorney #5) - Julie James

Thoughts: I bet the bride taking her shoes off happens at more than one wedding. I mean, look at those torturemobiles disguised as bridal shoes! She's expected to stand all through the ceremony and dance at the reception in those bad boys? I don't THINK so.

22. Forbidden Obsessions (Bondage & Breakfast #4) - Jodie Griffin

Thoughts: That actually isn't sweat. It's bacon grease from the morning's bondage using bacon strips.

23. Deception's Princess (Deception's Princess #1)  - Esther Friesner

Thoughts: Now that's an awesome head of ginger hair. Also, kids, the moral of the tagline is: if you want to lead an interesting life, LIE.

24. The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook - D.B. Walker

Thoughts: As ever, thanks so much Entertainment Weekly for branding this cover as your own. Also, thank you, cookbook, for making me wonder what a cookbook for zombies would entail. Actually, I do know this, because of this book: finger sandwiches and such things.

25. The Monster Within - Kelly Hashway

Thoughts: *snores* *jerks awake* Oh, was I supposed to be doing somethizzzzzzzzzz

26. Dreams of the Golden Age (Golden Age #2) - Carrie Vaughn

Thoughts: Why is the author's name so absurdly large? *huffs* I love that the heroine's not remotely sexed up though. She's wearing chucks and pants and a jacket! We can literally see no skin. Also, I love that they used the comic book font for some of the words on the cover!

27. Til Death - Kate Evangelista

Thoughts: The tale of Chameleon Girl.

28. Night Owls (Night Owls #1) - Lauren M. Roy

Thoughts: Second moral for the children: studying is bad for you. Don't do it.

Cover Battles: 

 1. The Memory of Lost Senses - Judith Kinghorn

UK vs. US: Dear historical fiction covers, I love you. However, the British one has a really long boring tagline, so I'm going with fashion over fountain. My Pick: US.

2. Moirai (Aberrant #2) - Ruth Silver

Paperback vs. ebook: In a truly puzzling move (to me anyway, though I didn't dig into this too far), the paperback has one cover and the ebook another. Okay, whatever. Both are meh to me, but I prefer the ebook, since I've not already seen that model on a Rhiannon Frater cover. My Pick: ebook.

 3. Three (Article 5 #3) - Kristen Simmons

Take 1 vs. Take 2: Sigh. They realized something was off, but I don't think this is a big improvement. I did say it needed more red, but mayhaps I should have been more specific. What it needs is to look more like the rest of the series. The title was always across the top, with a reddish band behind, darkening from book one. Perhaps the band would be black now or a very deep red. Also, by moving the font up higher, it now looks one hundred percent like he's feeling up her ass. So, good job there. My Pick: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

4. Crewel (Crewel World #1) - Gennifer Albin

Hardback vs. Paperback: I ask you: what was wrong with the first cover? It didn't need the face maybe, but, otherwise, it's unique and beautiful and fits the book. A girl dripping down an hourglass to form a city in the bottom doesn't. My Pick: Hardback. Let's not make this a real thing.

5. The Unexpected Wedding Guest (The Wedding Season #1) - Aimee Carson

Original vs. Redesign: BAHAHAHA, in the redesign, they cut off the bride's legs! Now you see her; now you don't! My Pick: Original. It's got a real leg up on the redesign.

6. The Right Mr. Wrong - Natalie Anderson

Original vs. Redesign: Covering up the sassy shoes = MAJOR FAIL. I want those heels. I want them. Also, his shoes make him look more like a normal guy then a leg-grabbing romance novel creeper. My Pick: SASSY SHOES, by which I mean the original.

7. Girl Least Likely to Marry (The Wedding Season #2)- Amy Andrews

Original vs. Redesign: Okay, I just noticed the ampersand symbol on this new series. What the heck is it doing there? AND WHAT, COVER? AND WHAT? My Pick: Original.

8. If You Can't Stand the Heat... - Joss Wood

Original vs. Redesign: They've zoomed in, which now gives me leave to say "If you can't stand the heat, check to make sure you turned off the oven before you started having sex on top of it." But it's just a counter. Boo, original cover for ruining my lols. My Pick: Original. Seriously, I cannot unsee that ampersand. It must stand for Mills & Boon, the publisher, but like WHY? Even if it does, that is not the way.

9. The Iron Jackal (Tales of the Ketty Jay #3) - Chris Wooding

Gollancz vs. Titan: The title font on the Gollancz one is the worst ever. Just say no to that font. The picture sort of looks like something out of the movie Robots. Not blown away by the new one, but I think it's much more appealing than the previous offering. 

WTF of the Week: 
WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I've found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of "Dear God, what is that thing?" If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to cynicalsapphire@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. Girls in Tears (Girls #4) - Jacqueline Wilson

Thoughts: Don't you love how they put the tissue box on there? Also, I have a true story about this. A guy I knew in college told me about how his brother broke up with his girlfriend. With all of his family watching from the car (classy), he dumped her and gave her a box of tissues, saying she was going to need them. Ooooh, burn.

2. Killer Cows - D.M. Anderson

Thoughts: The green haze on the eyes is really subtle, no?

3. God is in the Pancakes - Robin Epstein

Thoughts: Trying to decide which is worse: the title or the fact that they put a white, pancake-shaped blob on her face.

4. Immortal Warrior (Immortal Brotherhood #1) - Lisa Hendrix

Thoughts: BUTT WINGS.

5. I've Fallen and There's a Tentacle in My Butt - Edward Naughty

Thoughts: What you see is what you get.
 

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

School of Charm by Lisa Ann Scott

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