Cover Snark (67): The One Where I Start Naming Cover Snark Like Friends Episodes

Welcome to Cover Snark, where the people are snarky and the covers quiver in fear. Since I don't write many snarky book reviews here on A Reader of Fictions, Cover Snark is my outlet. If you click on the title of the book, where possible, I've linked to Goodreads. Clicking on the cover itself will show you the cover in a larger size, in most cases. Feel free to love covers I hate and vice versa. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Shiny and New:

1. Ignite Me (Shatter Me #3) - Tahereh Mafi

Thoughts: I will, grudgingly, grant you that this cover is well done, however, if I read this series and Juliette is not one of the following I'm calling bullshit on these covers: 1) a cyclops, 2) a giant floating eye, or 3) a person with eyelashes made of nature which changes with the seasons.

2. Hard Luck (Diary of a Wimpy Kid #8) - Jeff Kinney

Thoughts: So this is about Magic 8 Balls and horseshoes? Okay then. Also, much as I love the lime green background, the orange Wimpy Kid font looks horrid with it.

3. Be My Downfall (Whitman University #3) - Lyla Payne

Thoughts: Her lips look chapped. Dang winter. On the plus side, how often do NA covers feature clothing, let alone THIS MUCH clothing. Winter-appropriate apparel is rare. Usually it's more like THIS.

4. Running on Empty - Colette Ballard

Thoughts: I see London, I see France, I see that girl's underpants!

5. The Transfer (Divergent #0.1) - Veronica Roth

Thoughts: Somehow that's just not how I pictured the train the Divergents ride. However, that totally makes jumping out more ballsy/stupid. Ferris Wheel Train of DOOOOOOM.

6. The Invention of Wings - Sue Monk Kidd

Thoughts: Birds: "Thanks for inventing these! They're super handy - errrr, wingy."

7. Wicked Thing - Angelina Kace

Thoughts: She's such a wicked duck.

8. Screaming at the Ump - Audrey Vernick

Thoughts: This kid's really going full out Shawshank on this screaming.

9. Wings of Lomay (Solus #4) - Devri Walls

Thoughts: So this is what happened to Viserys Targaryen after GRR killed him off. If you can't be dragon king, might as well join a splash-fighting team.

10. Ultraviolet Catastrophe - Jamie Grey

Thoughts: Well, the title sort of says it all doesn't it. Even the girl's expression is saying "the fuck is this." It's a bad sign when I don't even want the dress on a pretty dress cover.

11. Wavecrossed - Andrea Colt

Thoughts: You know what cover trend I do not heart? Random objects forming a heart to indicate romancey feelings. OVERDONE. The only minor plus of this one is it looks vaguely Celtic.

12. The Rise of the Hotel Dumort (The Bane Chronicles #5) - Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson

Thoughts: His earrings look like they're out of a bedazzling kit or something. Where are the priceless jewels? Also, fake eyes that may be about to spontaneously combust. And greasy hair. AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE?

13. Nothing Serious - Jay Northcote

Thoughts: Actually, sir, your thumb sucking habit is rather serious and it's about time you dealt with it.

14. The Geography of You and Me - Jennifer E. Smith

Thoughts: "We got the afternoon / You got this room for two / One thing I've left to do / Discover me / Discovering you...  / Your body is a wonderland" Now that that's done with, look at the cuteness. This cover is just the right amount of cheesy.

15. Teaching Roman (Good Girls Don't #2) - Sophia Bleu

Thoughts: I have taken an immediate dislike to both of their faces. Whose professor looked like that? Seriously, whose? Maybe if he was an acting prof (*cough* Garrick *cough*), but this guy's in communications.

16. The Scribe (Irin Chronicles #1) - Elizabeth Hunter

Thoughts: You know how I feel about naked dude covers, but that's actually pretty awesome. Also, it reminds me of a thing in Froi of the Exiles, so that's made of win. But, seriously, Elizabeth Hunter has the best self-pub covers. Look at how hi-res and detailed that is!

17. Four Weddings and a Fireman (The Bachelor Firemen of San Gabriel #5) - Jennifer Bernard

Thoughts: Of course there's a series about bachelor firemen. This shouldn't even surprise me. What also surprises me is that I like that wedding dress. But lol at that title. REFERENCED.

18. Going Over - Beth Kephart

Thoughts: Was bored by this until I read the blurb and realized it was about the Berlin Wall, so now this is awesome.

19. A World Without Princes (The School for Good and Evil #2) - Soman Chainani

Thoughts: For serious, publishers, why do you let Entertainment Weekly do this? Do they design the covers for you in the reveal process? They fucking better, since this will forever be the top image if you Google search. It's THEIR cover now. What's the red thing at the bottom?? Water? Is the river made of blood? Are we going biblical?

20. The Summer I Wasn't Me - Jessica Verdi

Thoughts: I want to pretend that this is going to be a classic body swap tale. Something tells me it's not, but I'm just going to ignore that and assume it's a more intense "Help! I'm Stuck in My ___'s Body" sort of thing.

21. Shadows of Asphodel - Karen Kincy

Thoughts: I'm just going to pretend that the reason he has two dark trails under his nose is that he got a classic anime nosebleed from all the skin she's showing.

22. The Impossible Knife of Memory - Laurie Halse Anderson

Thoughts: Typewriter font. That's a blast from the past. Heroine clearly needs more survival skills, since she is standing in a stupid place.

23. Breaking Nova (Nova #1) - Jessica Sorensen

Thoughts: BORED NOW.

24. Misbehaving (Sea Breeze 6) - Abbi Glines

Thoughts: UGH. The one thing I like is that the model looks healthy and curvy. So yay for that at least.

25. Odin's Murder - Angel Lawson & Kira A. Gold

Thoughts: CHARM BRACELET OF WOE AND KEENING.

26. Texture of Intimacy (Psy/Changeling Novella) - Nalini Singh

Thoughts: SO CREEPY. The TEXTURE of intimacy, while naked dude pushes his privates up against a wolf. No, bestiality cover, no. That also seems like a good way to get your junk bit off.

27. Declaration of Courtship (Psy/Changeling Novella) - Nalini Singh

Thoughts: You may not speak wolf, but that wolf is howling "RAAAAAAAPE."

28. Wicked After Midnight (Blud #3) - Delilah S. Dawson

Thoughts: I WANT THOSE GLOVES AND TIGHTS. Otherwise, lol at her little neck ruff thing and his guyliner. Can anyone explain Blud? Because WHUT.

29. Reflected (Silver #3) - Rhiannon Held

Thoughts: More howling. I feel like the photoshopping could have been better done here. It looks really fake.

30. The Chronicle of Secret Riven (The Keeper of Tales Trilogy #2) - Ronlyn Domingue

Thoughts: Fantastic.

31. Lady Thief (Scarlet #2) - A. C. Gaughen

Thoughts: What do I have to sacrifice to get an ARC of this? I will do it. Also, the cover is so pretteh.

32. Greed (Seven Deadly #2) - Fisher Amelie

Thoughts: You know, it's even worse when they're half-naked with their heads cut off. Might as well call them a butterface, put a bag on their head and be done with it. More importantly, HORSES.

33. Kissing in Italian (Flirting in Italian #2) - Lauren Henderson

Thoughts: Looks more like they're kissing in French. Ba-dum-tish.

34. The Gate (Dark Path Series #1) - KT Grant

Thoughts: Worst sadist ever. "I'm just going to chain you up by your stiletto heels so you can't escape while I go get a burger so I can eat it in front of you. MWAHAHA." *comes back* "Damn, I forgot shoes came off." Girl yells from off camera: "Didn't even have to take them off to get away, dumbass! Would have taken the shoes, but this way I could move silently and also steal the burger. Take that!"

35. Loving Cara - Kristen Proby

Thoughts: Romance novel covers with just a dude or lady and an animal of the non-human variety send the wrong message.

36. Rising - Holly Kelly

Thoughts: HIS BODY IS READY. Also, lol, mermen. Am I the only one who ALWAYS finds them hilarious looking?

Cover Battles:

1. By Referral Only (Whitman University #2) - Lyla Payne
 
Original vs. Redesign: Much as I hate to go with the kissy cover, I do think it's more interesting than just the face. Plus, there is a scene where something like this happens. However, what's with all the dudes with earrings this week?

2. Blythewood - Carol Goodman

Take 1 vs. Take 2: Sigh. Neither of these is great. The new font is horrid, but I'm glad the chain is gone, since that made it look like the fifth installment in Jackson Pearce's Fairytale Retellings series

3. The Assassin and the Pirate Lord (Throne of Glass Novella #0.1) - Sarah J. Maas

Original vs. Redesign: Was looking on Amazon and found that they'd changed these to match. I really don't have much to say. Both are cool. *shrugs*

4. The Assassin and the Desert (Throne of Glass Novella #0.2) - Sarah J. Maas

Original vs. Redesign: La la la, I like how they kept the colors consistent.

5. The Assassin and the Underworld (Throne of Glass Novella #0.3) - Sarah J. Maas

Original vs. Redesign: Still really don't know which I like better. Sort of thinking the originals, but they don't match the series so hmmm.

6. The Assassin and the Empire (Throne of Glass Novella #0.4) - Sarah J. Maas

Original vs. Redesign: Gah, snarking things like this is impossible, but I wanted to share, so there you go. THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE.

7. The Sweet Dead Life - Joy Preble

Hardcover vs. Paperback: Burn the paperback with fire! Cowboy boots plus a feather plus a halo = HELL TO THE NO. (I made a religious joke.) Irreverent wings on grave by a mile.

8. Hang Wire - Adam Christopher

Paperback vs. Special Edition Hardback: This dude gets the coolest covers.

9. Jump (Twinmakers #1) - Sean Williams

US vs. Australia: Dear Allen and Unwin, there's a slightly larger version of this cover that is not final making its way around the internet, because THIS is the largest version of the actual cover. Do something about that, will you? Anyway, I prefer the Australian cover to the US cover, which stars the child of David Bowie and Andy Warhol.

10. Requiem (Delirium #3) - Lauren Oliver

US vs. UK Hardback vs. UK Paperback: All of the points go to the UK Hardback, because the US cover sucks and the UK paperback calls Requiem the next Hunger Games, which lol no.

11. Arcadia Falls (Arkadien #3) by Kai Meyer

Germany vs. US: German cover, why must you be creepy and suggest snake bondage? Ahhhhhh.

12. Circle of Death (A Damask Circle #2) - Keri Arthur

Imajin vs. Piatkus vs. Hachette: It's taken 10 years for the cover to get this good. In another ten, I might actually like the cover.

13. Vain (Seven Deadly #1) - Fisher Amelie

Original vs. Redesign 1 vs. Redesign 2: I'm honestly not sure which of those two older ones came first but whatever. I'm assuming that one on the left because it blows. I loathe the outfit on the new cover, but I guess it's better than having a series of face covers? I don't know.

WTF of the Week: 

WTF of the Week began as a special category for one cover I saw, but was so popular it became a recurring feature. Here, I highlight covers, both new and old, that I've found, which, upon viewing, made me either snort or say something along the lines of "Dear God, what is that thing?" If you would like to be part of the fun and have spotted a truly hilarious or horrifying cover, submit it and your snark to cynicalsapphire@gmail.com and you might be included, though I will filter through submissions and limit the number of entries per week.

1. The Lost Trucker (Trucker Saga #1) - Rose Dewallvin

Thoughts: How bad are you? Pretty damn bad.

2. Sins of the Lost (Grigori Legacy #3)- Linda Poitevin

Thoughts: Cover Snark is never complete without some horribly photoshopped angel wings.

3. Blind Date Teddy Bear (Her Teddy Bear #1) - Mimi Strong

Thoughts: *scrubs eyeballs*
 

Outstanding Cover of the Week:

Hang Wire by Adam Christopher

The regular paperback cover is a close runner up, but the special edition in red just pops that much more. Not sure where you can buy the special edition, so I'm linking to the paperback.

Learn More or Preorder:

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